Talking to everyone in Morocco today, I find myself missing it all. Egypt for me was one hell of a ride. By December, I had lost all feeling, happy or sad. I just didn't really care about anything. I felt finished, exhausted, and mentally drained; like all I was doing was merely existing. I believe in this state of nothingness I found myself. I proved to myself that I could do anything. My mind wasn't even required to function as I existed on a plane between my reality and some circle of fantasy I could never wrap my head around as it slipped in and out of my control. Some days were doable, others drove me mad. I never shook the constant hyper-sensitivity to the way people interacted with me. Everything came with a price, a stipulation, a doubt. Perhaps I did end up using my mind. Yeah, I did. It was all smashed up, warped, and scarred up. I grew skin. I grew up. Yes, in the end, Egypt made me a better person. I just didn't see it until now. Things now here in America just seem so petty and small. Such a perspective makes me "smarter".
The few minutes each night I would take with my I-pod onto the balcony and watch the traffic below, 100 meters away. My attention would fade in and out between the muffled noise of incessant horns and my thoughts on the day and my progress socially and academically. Those warm nights, set against the soft glow of the lamplights above the power sprayers at the gas station at 2 a.m. were the the few moments every day where I could escape to the recesses of my mind. Towards the middle of December, it was a rather empty, meaningless endeavor as I faded into the music in my I-pod. The words became merely words. That deep connection I have with music had faded away, and I knew I was in trouble.
I miss it all though. I miss those few moments every day. I miss not working at this goddamn hell hole job at Starbucks. I miss GRE study parties with Di Di. I miss my and Zi Zi's initial (and creepy) research project of getting into Alexandria's gay community. Shit, what a weird, uncomfortable trip that would have been. I miss running on the Cornish, with people watching in wonderment as I raced past them. I miss living on the sea. I always told myself coming back home that I would go sit on the rocks and watch the sunset. I never did. I regret that now. I've run naked through the desert under the stars, feeling free as I've ever in my life. I watched the sun rise on Mt. Sinai after hiking to the top. But I've never watched an Egyptian sunset. Perhaps it just means it's not over, this loving-disdainful relationship I have found myself in. In the end, I can't deny it. Those 8 months changed my life and will always be a part of who I am and who I will become. I've experienced so much. One thing was for sure. I wasn't finished. But with what? I never made any formal "goals" as was recommended. I think it's because I never knew exactly what I wanted out of the experience. It would definitely have made my life easier, but I chose instead to roll with the waves. In the end, it was the best. I prefer flexibility and I have a hard time with sticking to rigid goals. I was more of a spectator in Egypt than a participant. It hampered me making many friendships; I felt that just too exhausting. I regret that as well. However, I don't know if I were to change that if I had another chance. Personally, everything was so exhausting and I dealt with it differently than many of the other students. I was so concerned with perfection, and if I couldn't be perfect, I didn't try. Wow, that's big...I have a hard time learning because I hate making mistakes and get embarrassed too easily.
I miss my Flagship family. I heard I wasn't missing much, but I think if I was there with them in Morocco, it would be alright. Things just didn't work out in the end with my stipend. Sigh.
Today was my birthday, another year older. No, I don't feel any different from yesterday. I'm almost halfway to 30. I can't help but feel I'm behind in my life. I'm 24 and only have my bachelors and the prospects of grad school this year are waning with each painful, passing day I hear nothing back. This is probably the most waiting I've ever done. I hate it. And no, I don't feel more virtuous for waiting. I'm ever-annoyed, this ball of irritation sitting on my stomach each day I wake up. I don't even realize it's there anymore. I just feel edgy. I want an answer so I can plan my life for the next year. My mind's scattered between all these possible routes my life could take. Which major should I use? Should I apply to take a teaching certification exam to teach French or Government in high schools? No, I want to go to school. Should I look for a job as a translator at the hospital? I just don't want to be stuck at Starbucks. This man told me he wanted me to put the cream in his coffee the other day, like I was his damn servant. Of all the things I hate in the world, it's another's condescension, like I'm some kind of servant. Pam told me that there are worse people in the world. I know, I've seen them fall from power in a matter of days. I hope that man choked on his cream. I can't do that job any more. I'm still too sensitive and susceptible to treatment like that. Nothing I have done in my life would have led me to come back to the coffee shop scene. I want to do great things.
I know this little period in my life will pass. It's just accepting the humbling reality that I might have to wait more. Time is so elusive, it's a little snake. All the possible paths I can take, I just want to take the right one. I don't want to be hasty, but I don't want to wait. I need to figure out where to pick and choose.
I've been tired of living in such a weird, fluid state of existence. I want something stable, long term. I am at a point in my life where I'm looking for security. I never really found it's absence incredibly intoxicating, but I think now more than even it's become so important. I want to settle down and start my future, even if I have to wait a bit. I'm convinced I know what I want.
I still find it all so beautiful. I'm still idealistic and prefer to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm still impatient. I still am my biggest competition. I still have this animosity for what was done before, though it's ultimately made me a better person to other people. I will still give my all to those who deserve it, and I will always love you with all my heart if I told you I love you. I no longer use the word "LOVE" lightly anymore. It's too precious of a word to be wasted in passing utterances. I'm still looking inside for answers, and to those glowing lamplights from my Egyptian balcony. I miss you. But it's not over. I'll be back. Here's to everything before me, I just gotta make it happen, and that's absolutely the hardest part. Egypt, we'll meet again, in sha' allah.
The few minutes each night I would take with my I-pod onto the balcony and watch the traffic below, 100 meters away. My attention would fade in and out between the muffled noise of incessant horns and my thoughts on the day and my progress socially and academically. Those warm nights, set against the soft glow of the lamplights above the power sprayers at the gas station at 2 a.m. were the the few moments every day where I could escape to the recesses of my mind. Towards the middle of December, it was a rather empty, meaningless endeavor as I faded into the music in my I-pod. The words became merely words. That deep connection I have with music had faded away, and I knew I was in trouble.
I miss it all though. I miss those few moments every day. I miss not working at this goddamn hell hole job at Starbucks. I miss GRE study parties with Di Di. I miss my and Zi Zi's initial (and creepy) research project of getting into Alexandria's gay community. Shit, what a weird, uncomfortable trip that would have been. I miss running on the Cornish, with people watching in wonderment as I raced past them. I miss living on the sea. I always told myself coming back home that I would go sit on the rocks and watch the sunset. I never did. I regret that now. I've run naked through the desert under the stars, feeling free as I've ever in my life. I watched the sun rise on Mt. Sinai after hiking to the top. But I've never watched an Egyptian sunset. Perhaps it just means it's not over, this loving-disdainful relationship I have found myself in. In the end, I can't deny it. Those 8 months changed my life and will always be a part of who I am and who I will become. I've experienced so much. One thing was for sure. I wasn't finished. But with what? I never made any formal "goals" as was recommended. I think it's because I never knew exactly what I wanted out of the experience. It would definitely have made my life easier, but I chose instead to roll with the waves. In the end, it was the best. I prefer flexibility and I have a hard time with sticking to rigid goals. I was more of a spectator in Egypt than a participant. It hampered me making many friendships; I felt that just too exhausting. I regret that as well. However, I don't know if I were to change that if I had another chance. Personally, everything was so exhausting and I dealt with it differently than many of the other students. I was so concerned with perfection, and if I couldn't be perfect, I didn't try. Wow, that's big...I have a hard time learning because I hate making mistakes and get embarrassed too easily.
I miss my Flagship family. I heard I wasn't missing much, but I think if I was there with them in Morocco, it would be alright. Things just didn't work out in the end with my stipend. Sigh.
Today was my birthday, another year older. No, I don't feel any different from yesterday. I'm almost halfway to 30. I can't help but feel I'm behind in my life. I'm 24 and only have my bachelors and the prospects of grad school this year are waning with each painful, passing day I hear nothing back. This is probably the most waiting I've ever done. I hate it. And no, I don't feel more virtuous for waiting. I'm ever-annoyed, this ball of irritation sitting on my stomach each day I wake up. I don't even realize it's there anymore. I just feel edgy. I want an answer so I can plan my life for the next year. My mind's scattered between all these possible routes my life could take. Which major should I use? Should I apply to take a teaching certification exam to teach French or Government in high schools? No, I want to go to school. Should I look for a job as a translator at the hospital? I just don't want to be stuck at Starbucks. This man told me he wanted me to put the cream in his coffee the other day, like I was his damn servant. Of all the things I hate in the world, it's another's condescension, like I'm some kind of servant. Pam told me that there are worse people in the world. I know, I've seen them fall from power in a matter of days. I hope that man choked on his cream. I can't do that job any more. I'm still too sensitive and susceptible to treatment like that. Nothing I have done in my life would have led me to come back to the coffee shop scene. I want to do great things.
I know this little period in my life will pass. It's just accepting the humbling reality that I might have to wait more. Time is so elusive, it's a little snake. All the possible paths I can take, I just want to take the right one. I don't want to be hasty, but I don't want to wait. I need to figure out where to pick and choose.
I've been tired of living in such a weird, fluid state of existence. I want something stable, long term. I am at a point in my life where I'm looking for security. I never really found it's absence incredibly intoxicating, but I think now more than even it's become so important. I want to settle down and start my future, even if I have to wait a bit. I'm convinced I know what I want.
I still find it all so beautiful. I'm still idealistic and prefer to wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm still impatient. I still am my biggest competition. I still have this animosity for what was done before, though it's ultimately made me a better person to other people. I will still give my all to those who deserve it, and I will always love you with all my heart if I told you I love you. I no longer use the word "LOVE" lightly anymore. It's too precious of a word to be wasted in passing utterances. I'm still looking inside for answers, and to those glowing lamplights from my Egyptian balcony. I miss you. But it's not over. I'll be back. Here's to everything before me, I just gotta make it happen, and that's absolutely the hardest part. Egypt, we'll meet again, in sha' allah.
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