Angsty Friday

I got into my room and closed the door behind me, sat down and started to budget for the year. The year. I began to cry. It came from nowhere, but it came from deep within; I felt it. It's amazing how simple acts can be outlets for the most repressed or subconscious of stresses. I all of a sudden missed hearing English all around. I missed being able to communicate my point effectively. I missed the clean air of Ann Arbor. I missed traffic signs. I miss hanging out with girls. I miss being myself. I miss Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  Stage 2 of culture shock: "the subject suddenly finds everything around him strange and uncomfortable. The smallest incident turns into a catastrophe. "In my culture, we do it this way" becomes a stock phrase and mind set. Sense of humor begins to deteriorate. Subject begins to over or under sleep."  I thought I could skip this stage. I've been in the MIddle East before. I understand though, that I knew 2 years ago that I'd be back in 2 months. I was fine. I'm here for a year, and I'm just finding out how long that really is. I have to learn to cope with it or it's going to be miserable. I want to get to stage three: gradual assimilation and sense of humor and habits return. I have to be strong. 

I'm having a fairly difficult time assimilating to my new life here. There's never been a time in my life where hanging out with girls was this difficult and in most places, forbidden. I've never been compelled to stay in the dorms with guys for extended periods of time without talking to a girl. They find me charming and enjoy my humor. I've never spent so much time with straight men. I never realized how much they talk about sex, how much they try to out do each other, and to what extent testosterone drives their thoughts and competition with one another. I learned that being a light weight is embarrassing in guy land yesterday, and that smoking the most Sheesha guarantees you a place in male stardom.  The "bro walk" also amuses me, I can't quite do it.  I realized how much of a cultural difference there is between U of M students and Michigan State students. They are more of what I would consider "frat" guys, whereas the Michigan guys are more nerdy, friendlier, and work harder. I think I've been stuck with an exception. I've really never had trouble bonding with other guys. 

I also never realized how much more being gay intertwined with the rest of my personality. The way I speak, my humor, my mannerisms, charm, and wit. Dancing and music also tie me closer to females. I don't want to play soccer. I don't want to watch soccer. I don't think gay jokes made by straight guys are really funny. I don't want to talk about the female anatomy and sex. I'd rather watch Mean Girls than the World Cup. I'd rather go dancing than smoke Sheesha. I'd rather listen to Lady Gaga than talk about what she looks like naked. 

I've been trying to find an "in" with them so that I don't have to spend after dinner time alone in my room, but try as I might, there are gaps that difficult to cross.  I try to participate in conversations during meals, but no one really talks back to me. I'm trying to act as normal as I can and let my personality and humor do the rest, but no one really gets it. They don't laugh as much as I'm used to, and they don't ask me to do things with them when we're done with group activities like meals. It doesn't hurt my feelings because I would rather do homework or go explore than watch t.v., but I feel awkward. Like I'm going to regret it.

I'm also trying to protect myself here by not being "out", because of the exceptional state of being mixed with Egyptians. In Middle Eastern culture, it is not acceptable to be homosexual. You are shunned, teased, humiliated, and sometimes even harmed. No one would ever admit to it. Ever. I've done enough research on this to know what to expect. I was totally prepared for it until I figured out what that meant. I never realized how much of my personality was hardwired differently. The sex that I enjoy being around is forbidden in most places, and I can't go to the girls' dorms to hang out. 

I've never minded being "out". In the US, it's the only way I've actually ever been okay with myself. Being true to myself was never a problem in that respect.  If people were comfortable with it or not wasn't my problem. They could take me for who I was or leave it. I was free to be an individual. I was free.

In the case here, I wouldn't mind being the "resident gay". There's a certain amount of respect you get for being true to yourself among Americans. Even if some didn't feel comfortable with it, I would at least feel like I was being honest with them and I wouldn't be the weird, awkward kid that I feel that people think I am now. I can't though. I can't let the Egyptians know because I wouldn't feel comfortable the rest of the summer because of the culture and my safety. 

But I will still smile and say hi, participate in conversations as best I know how. I'm really frustrated though. The situation that I find myself in is a real challenge to me. More so than everyday interactions in Alexandria and exploring.  I miss being completely true to myself in public. The situation in which I find myself, the culture, the dorms, not knowing anyone, not speaking the language well, maturity gap, need for quiet, etc. all weigh heavily upon me.  I'm realizing how particular I am and what I have learned I can tolerate and what I can't over the years. I don't think the time I spend alone after dinner isn't because I'm snubbing the rest of the guys. I'd rather have that little time to myself to be myself. I'm learning that being true to myself is having odd consequences in Egypt, ones that I could not have predicted. I'd rather be true to myself than fake it. I'm too old to live in a dorm. 

 I miss laughing.